Back to Exponent Menu Printer Friendly Page   LOCAL FEATURES Friday, March 15, 2002 Kids at church By Pamela Patnode Special to the Exponent I was exhausted. It was 10:35 a.m. and I had already used up every ounce of patience in my body. I was crabby, frustrated, and spiritually drained. As I slumped down into the car, I tried to mentally ready myself for the day ahead. And yet, I felt as though I had nothing left to give. You see, it was Sunday, and my husband and I had brought our children to church. We have four kids. Our oldest is six. The Mass lasted an hour and a half. Need I say more? Bringing young children to Mass can be both dutiful and disastrous. Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me…” (Mark 10:14). Sometimes I think this would be easier to do if Mass were held on the playground. And yet, as my husband and I juggled our children, we couldn’t help but notice the families whose children were behaving quietly and even participating. Week after week, these same families demonstrated that it was possible to bring young children to Mass and “make it work.” I wanted to be among this elite group. And so, my husband and I secretly started to watch these families at church. We wanted to learn their “tricks.” After awhile, I became bolder and actually interviewed some of them. In addition to talking with these “experts,” I read some books on this whole notion of parenting children at Mass. Finally, I talked with our priest. He has a wonderful perspective from the pulpit. In all, I’ve gathered some ideas and suggestions guaranteed to make Sundays run more smoothly — both for the parents of young children and the parishioners who sit around them. The “tricks of the trade” 1.) Look at all of the options and know when to use them. Most churches offer multiple options for parents with young children. The nursery and the “crying room” can provide outlets when having children in Mass is not the solution. The key, however, is to know when to use them. Father Arnold Weber of Holy Name of Jesus Parish in Wayzata, Minn., suggests using them all. “Vary it,” he says. Under three years of age, the nursery is a good option. For the 3, 4, and 5-year-old age group, Father Weber believes children will learn more in a Sunday school setting. However, he recommends that children should come to Mass — especially for special occasions. A family birthday, a visitor, or holiday are great opportunities for the whole family to be together at Mass. This also helps the children learn that being in church with Mom and Dad is a privilege, and one to look forward to. 2.) Prepare ahead of time. Robbie Castleman, in her book Parenting in the Pew, says, “Sunday morning begins Saturday night.” Saturday night is a good time to lay out the clothes for the next day, finish any Sunday morning nursery school projects, prepare the diaper bag, and prepare money for the collection. Mary Ann Ignaczak, a mother of five boys, suggests that you continue your preparations in the car on the way to church. This is a great time to discuss expectations. She explains to her boys what is expected of them and what the consequences will be if they don’t meet these expectations. Keep realistic expectations, and be consistent. Finally, Ignaczak also recommends you discuss what will happen at church. for example, let them know here you plan to sit, what the priest will do, the order of the Mass, and whether or not you’ll stay for donuts. Having this information can be very helpful to young children. 3.) Know what to bring and what to leave at home. Some parents bring a full breakfast, while others bring what looks like the entire toy chest. These may be extremes, but it is hard to know what to bring to help youngsters get through the service. Ginny Metzger is a mother of nine children. She recommends that four years old is a good “cut-off” age. From four years on up, the children should be expected to begin paying attention to the Mass. Therefore, they should not be allowed to bring toys. Children younger than four years old are a different story. For these ages, she says, “Do what works for the child — within reason. A full breakfast is not acceptable, but if a few Cheerios is going to help your two-year-old stay quiet, them bring some. Likewise, a book or a soft toy may also be of help. What’s important is to train children to be respectful — respectful of church and the people around you. An arsenal of toys and snacks is distracting to adults and other children. The less you bring, the better.” 4.)Participate. “Baseball and ballet are taught through participation, practice and patience. Children learn best by doing. Great baseball players are not made in the bleachers … children learn to worship by worshiping — through participation, practice and patience.” (Robbie Castleman). They also learn by example. Parents need to sing and help their children to sing. In fact, singing the hymns at home is a great way to help your children recognize them at church. Allow the children to put money in the offering. Sit near the front so they can see. Explain to them in a hushed voice what is happening and what is being said. “Participation in every syllable of the service is of major importance in training children to worship.” (Castleman) 5.) Know when to leave. Inevitably, no matter how well we plan, there will come a time when your crying infant or screaming toddler will need to be taken out of church. Father Weber’s rule of thumb goes like this: “If one or two people are looking at you and your child, that’s not so bad. If a third of the people are looking at you, consider escaping. If half the church is looking at you, run!” Young children are going to squirm; some of that is to be expected and tolerated. However, if the squirming is disrupting the majority of those around you, it’s best to leave quietly. Once you’ve left the church, the next decision to make is when to return. Returning when the congregation is singing will be less disruptive. And, it’s even better if you return without having to make another hasty exit. Judge your child’s behavior carefully before making an ill-timed return. 6.) Know your children. Father Weber believes that the best preparation for Sunday is knowing your children. And that means spending as much quality time with them as you can during the week. In addition, bring to church the parenting practices you use at home. The table manners you expect at home should be brought to the Lord’s banquet. Finally, remember the true reason for going to church. Worship is for God’s glory, not our own — and God delights in children. As Kay Isca recounts in Catholic Etiquette for Children at Mass, “Never apologize for bringing children to church… God bless you for making the effort.” Pamela Patnode is a Catholic free-lance writer from Medina, Minn.   Back to Exponent Menu Printer Friendly Page   Other Articles of 2002   Christmas letter from El Salvador missions thanks diocesan Catholics   Bishop shares views, discussion with Central students   ETC slates Christmas specials throughout the season   My Favorite Christmas Memories   Guidelines on religious ed homeschooling are issued   Local Catholic radio station targets Feb. 1 date   HMs end 98-years of service to Salem St. Paul Parish   Learn ‘language’ of young, youth meet speaker urges   Bishop Tobin: Meeting in D.C. on norms was ‘anxious, tense, difficult’   Priests must ask one another the tough questions, speaker says   Catholic death and funeral rites   Deacons mark 25th with Mass, dinner, memories   Diocesan Ministry Convocation Speaker: Global solidarity, not globalization, should be aim   Jusseaume inaugurated as sixth Walsh president   Diaconate marks 25th anniversary with Oct. 27 fete   New norms sent to priests, deacons on Communion under both kinds   Ashtabula parishes are ‘one Catholic community’   Jusseaume to become Walsh’s sixth president   Charismatic speaker: ‘Church being tested in faithfulness’   Lutheran/Catholic covenant event draws 140 to Walsh   Canton St. Joseph Parish observes centennial celebration   HMHP CEO Michael Rowan   Stewardship speaker: It’s about gratitude and thanking God first   Imagination is key to resolving crisis, priests told   War with Iraq? 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